I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize
