I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Randomize
