Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Randomize
