I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
