just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
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