me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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