just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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