I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Randomize
