im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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