we have pet lesbian snakes
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
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