why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I said "one day" and that day is not today
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
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