im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Randomize
