No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Randomize
