my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Randomize
