I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
Randomize
