What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
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