she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
God, you're like boner-b-gone
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
