i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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