sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
Randomize