dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Randomize
