She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
The power of my boobs compel you
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
