The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
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