I'm passing your future prison.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
Randomize
