Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Dicks are not precious.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize