Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
