Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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