FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
