It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Randomize
