just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Randomize
