Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
I have a number of responses, ranging in content, tone, and maturity. Choose your destiny...
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
