Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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