Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Randomize
