so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
I deserve this hangover.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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