how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
