can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
You hook up with other guys, let him talk to other girls.
no
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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