So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
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