Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
