i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Randomize
