u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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