It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
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