Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
