Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
