If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
COCAINE IS GR8
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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