my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize