I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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