So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
Randomize