Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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