My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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