i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Randomize
