Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
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