youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
