I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
