Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Randomize
