or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize