my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Randomize
