There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I'm getting married
To pizza
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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