You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Randomize
