I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Randomize
