Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Randomize
